


The Hammer, Nail, and Stone Job

by dirigibleplumbing



Category: Leverage, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: (For the greater good obviously), 5 Things, 5+1 Things, Bad Puns, Coming Out, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Established Relationship, Fluff, Justin Hammer (Marvel), M/M, News Media, Paparazzi, Phone Calls & Telephones, Scams & Cons, Tiberius Stone (Marvel)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-25
Updated: 2020-01-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:08:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22238371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dirigibleplumbing/pseuds/dirigibleplumbing
Summary: 5 times Tony spoke on the phone with the Leverage team to discuss a job he hired them to do—plus one where they talked about what he's paying them.
Relationships: Alec Hardison/Parker/Eliot Spencer, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 17
Kudos: 217
Collections: Captain America/Iron Man Bingo





	The Hammer, Nail, and Stone Job

**Author's Note:**

> These fandoms should exist in the same universe. Fight me. 
> 
> This takes place in an MCU-adjacent universe during an entirely indeterminate time period. Could be a 2012 MCU AU, a post-Endgame MCU AU, a raunchier Avengers Assemble or Avengers: EMH, or whatever similar universe you prefer. 
> 
> For the "paparazzi" square of my Steve/Tony bingo.

#### (1)

Three days after the Leverage team has taken the job, Tony’s on the secure line that he and Hardison set up for their daily check-ins, and without preamble Spencer says, “Hammer’s working with ViaStone.” 

“Son of a bitch!” Tony winces. Then he rallies. “No, no, wait—this is good. This is good.” 

“You sure about that?” Spencer asks. 

“Yes, oh my god, if Ty’s involved in this shit too, that’s just sugar glazing—”

“Of course you’re on a first-name— _nickname—_ basis with the CEO of Viastone,” Hardison grumbles. 

Tony would swear he can hear Spencer shaking his head. “This wasn’t the plan, Stark.” 

“So improvise. Isn’t that what you do?” 

“What ‘we do’ is up to us, and this is a whole ’nother kettle of fish.” 

Spencer may have the haircut of a Hanson brother circa 1995, but he also has the shoulders and biceps of a super-soldier, and Tony should know. So he’s quick to say, “I know the location of Caravaggio's _Adoration_.” 

“We’re in,” Parker replies immediately. “I haven’t stolen a Caravaggio since 2003!” 

“ _The Nativity with St. Francis and St. Lawrence_?” Spencer clarifies, sounding skeptical. “It’s been missing since the 60’s.” 

“’69,” Tony agrees. “Last seen in Palermo, Sicily.” 

“Archie’s going to be _so_ jealous,” Parker breathes. 

After a pause Tony hopes is merely thoughtful, Hardison says, “You’re sure it’s an original?” 

“I saw it out on Iron Man business, so I didn’t have the time or the tech to 100% verify authenticity, _but_ I have x-ray diffraction and fluorescence analyses. The chemical structure of the paint matches what would’ve been around at the turn of the 17th century. I’ve also got UV and infrared breakdown if you want to look at older layers. I’ll give you guys all the readings I have on it, of course.” 

“We’re in, we’re in!” Parker insists. 

“She’s the boss,” Haridson points out wryly. 

“Okay, so, what’s the angle with Stone?” Spencer asks grudgingly. 

“Who?” Parker asks. 

“Tiberius Stone, billionaire, head of Viastone, one of the biggest media companies on the _planet_ ,” Spencer growls. 

Tony coughs. “Hey, so: in the interest of, um, honesty, full disclosure, all of that. He’s also my ex.” 

After a moment to process this, Parker says, “We can definitely use that,” and then everyone but Tony starts talking at once. 

Incomprehensibly, someone says, “The Chilean Custard.” 

They’re interrupted before the second word is out of their mouth. “Sounds like Hell in a Handbasket is the way to play it.” 

“No, no, it’s a perfect set-up for the Big Colombian Chupacabra, we just need—” 

“What’s _wrong_ with you?”

“Yeah, that’s a worse idea than the Chilean Custard.” 

“Wouldn’t work anyway, Eliot’s already burned his identity on Hammer.” 

“The Kyrgyzstani Weed Whacker then, it’s—” 

“Parker has to be on call as Agent Hagen or McSweeten will spook. Gotta be something Hardison can pull. Like the Geneva Paso Doble.” 

“I’m _never_ going to be even _remotely_ involved with doing the Geneva Paso Doble again.” 

“So we call Tara. Hammer and Stone already don’t trust each other, so she and Alec and Stark can do the Soft Shoulder or—”

“Tara’s doing a long-con in Ankara for the next two months at least. The London Spank! You’ve always wanted to do that one, right babe?” 

“Wouldn’t work with the media angle, and it’s better if the mark has children, anyway. I say a combo of the Peking Watch and the Proposal at the Seven Hills.” 

“Damnit Hardison, Stark can’t go _undercover_ , that’s the whole point—” 

“Okay, how about the Spa—”

“I keep _telling_ you, the Spanish Turnabout pays off at an airport!” 

“Alright, alright, hear me out: the Beijing Double Butterfly.”

The line is blessedly quiet for a moment. Then Parker says, “Are you still seeing Ms. Potts?” 

“Uh, no. And. She’s with someone else now,” Tony answers, hoping that details aren’t required. 

Tony thinks the last question has mentally prepared him for the line she’s on, but he’s still shocked—just for a second—when she asks, “Are you out as bisexual?”

“I could be,” he answers, recovering quickly. 

“Perfect,” Spencer says, sounding glad but somehow still like he’s a snarling dog guarding an injured puppy. 

“Wait, wait. Mr. Stark,” Hardison puts in. “Are you seeing anyone right now?” 

“Yes,” Tony says slowly. “But it’s um. Really new. And kinda-maybe-sortof a secret? It’s a whole thing.” 

“Man or woman?” Parker asks sternly. 

“Man, but I can—” 

“Would it be a secret if you were out?” Hardison interrupts. 

Tony thinks about it. “Maybe not?” 

He’s barely finished speaking when Parker says, “Would he help out on this?” 

Tony sighs. “Yeah. He’s already offered, actually.” 

“Can _he_ pull off undercover? Just a little, mostly at the start.” Parker sounds like she’s trying to be reassuring, but it’s not really working. 

“Better than me, but that… it depends. He’d probably need a photostatic veil. What kind of role?” 

“Security,” Spencer replies. 

Tony bursts out in laughter. “Oh, he can definitely pull that off.” 

“Talk to him,” Parker orders. “Call us back in two hours.” 

“He can wear the veil during the reveal if your relationship needs to stay a secret, but it’ll work better with someone you actually care about and have a rapport with,” Hardison explains. 

“And don’t mind being photographed with,” Spencer adds. “So make sure the veil is coded to someone you can stand to gaze at all doe-eyed.” 

“Is there a back-up plan if he says no to all of this?” Tony asks. 

“There will be,” Hardison assures him. 

“Might not be a good one, though,” Spencer puts in. 

“So talk to him,” Parker repeats, then hangs up on him. 

  
  


#### (2)

“Hi, Tony.” The speaker conveys Steve’s voice faultlessly. 

“Hey, Once and Future Captain,” Tony says, swiveling in his office chair. “The Leverage team with you there?” 

“Nope, just me,” Steve replies. 

“But I’m ten minutes late to the call.” 

“They had something to take care of at the pub, I think.” 

Tony scoffs a little. “Yeah, right. Probably they just popped into the back of their van for a quickie threesome.” 

“Tony!” Steve sounds both outraged and amused, like he’s not sure which reaction is more appropriate. 

“C’mon, didn’t you catch that line earlier about a ‘very distinctive labia’—”

It’s that moment that the conference call system shows the addition of three new signals. “Don’t wonder about our sex lives, and we won’t wonder about yours,” Spencer says, voice challenging. 

“Wonder away,” Tony says with a grin. “What do you want to know first?” 

Steve’s exasperated (exasperated _and_ affectionate, Tony notes) sigh is interrupted by Parker saying, “So, which of you is usually—”

“Parker, no,” Hardison interrupts. 

“Aw, but I _like_ it when attractive people are having athletic, consensual sex with each other!” Parker pouts. 

“Don’t we all,” Tony agrees. 

“The mission,” Spencer reminds them, not unlike a clucking mother hen. . 

“Nah, hold up a sec—how’d you even hear that comment?” Hardison says. “You been on our comm lines, Stark?” 

“Please,” Tony sneers. “Like you didn’t know.” All bragging aside, Tony’s sure he wouldn’t be seeing the inside of any of Hardison’s systems unless he was allowed there. 

“Mission parameters accomplished,” Steve says firmly, trying to get them back on track. 

“Yeah, I heard from Hammer’s assistant, he’s blaming ViaStone for the breach,” Spencer says. 

“No sign from any of my fellow legal staffers that the new security guard might be Captain America,” Hardison supplies. 

“Guess they were too distracted by that super-soldier body squished into that tiny little suit,” Spencer says, his tone so steadily maintaining its usual grumble that it takes a moment for Tony to catch up with what he’s saying. “You responsible for the tailoring on that thing?” 

“Hey, Steve’s thighs ares a _great_ distraction,” Tony insists. “I was being very practical-minded, definitely only thinking of the success of this con.” 

“They’re natural icons,” Steve agrees, matter-of-fact. As well he should, being entirely correct. “Deserve to be shown off.” 

“I thought we weren’t talking about your sex life,” Hardison sighs. “Really Eliot? You? You’re the one to bring the conversation all the way back there?” 

“Yeah, way to respect boundaries,” Parker teases. Her tone shifts abruptly as she says, “Great. Good talk, next check-in is on the schedule. Bye.” 

“Bye?” Tony says, just as the call goes dead. 

#### (3)

Once Steve is settled on the couch, Tony connects to the line designated for the Leverage team. “Alright, we’re all set up. Looks like they’re not on the call yet.” 

“Should we hang up and wait for them to be on?” 

“Nah, I’m sure they’ll be on soon.” 

“Okay.” Steve closes his eyes and lets his head fall back on the top of the couch. 

Tony takes his hand. “Hey. Today was a lot, huh?” 

Steve blinks and sits up. “It was great. It went better than we’d hoped.” 

“Doesn’t mean it wasn’t intense.” 

“You’re the one whose face is all over the news. I wasn’t even there.” 

“Uh, yeah you were, you were right behind me.” 

“Didn't look like me.” 

Yeah, Steve’s been wearing a lot of photostatic veils lately. Tony isn’t quite sure what to do. His instinct is to give Steve a hug, but doesn’t know if they’re there yet. Just—hugging each other without asking or trying to wind up for sex. 

Before Tony can reply, Steve goes on. “Those posters people made were something else, huh?” 

Tony accepts the change of subject with some relief. “Yeah, I liked the BI-RON MAN one especially.” 

Steve looks at him thoughtfully. “Nah, I don’t see it. I don’t think Lord Byron knew the first thing about engineering.” 

This earns Steve a flick on the nose. “I’m prettier, too,” Tony says through a grin. “Which sign was your favorite, then?” 

“I liked the message of that glittery one Happy took away from that woman in the front. Though I’d prefer if it were me you were doing it to.” 

A throat clears on the other end of the line. 

Steve glares in Tony’s direction. “How long did you know they were on?” 

Tony’s attempt at an innocent expression are met with an indulgent eye roll. 

“Oh, don’t let us stop you,” Parker says. 

“They can get up to whatever they want _after_ we’ve discussed the job,” Spencer says. 

“We were just saying that the press conference went really well,” Steve says, the goddamn teacher’s pet. 

“You sure know how to charm a crowd, Stark,” Hardison agrees.

“How’s the coverage looking?” Tony asks. After fielding the last questions and making his goodbyes, he’d only had time to glance at a news aggregator during the elevator ride up to the penthouse.

“I dunno how you do it, man,” Hardison says with, Tony thinks, some admiration in his voice. “But they are eating you _up_. Everyone loves you. Hardly any chatter from Evangelical or any other conservative groups. A couple of ‘em just sent out a brief statement reiterating their views on ‘homosexuality,’ without even mentioning you by name. Fox News just had a line on the news ticker: ‘Billionaire and Iron Man Tony Stark comes out as bisexual.’ Hey, they even got the term right, way to hit the bare minimum, Fox News.” 

“It’s his ass,” Steve says sagely. “It’s hypnotic. Reporters get so distracted they forget to be total shitheads.” 

“So, great work on that ass, then,” Parker agrees. “Everything’s on track.” 

“How’s your end looking?” Tony asks. 

“We’re set with the FBI,” Parker reports unenthusiastically. 

“Hardison’s working on Stone,” Spencer says. 

“Am I ever,” Hardison sighs. 

“And I’m in place for the denouement with Hammer,” Spencer goes on as if Hardison hadn’t spoken. 

“Ooh, ‘denouement,’” Parker says with an exaggerated French accent. “I love it when you let people know you’re not actually a himbo.” 

Steve looks at Tony with questioning eyes.

“That’s a guy who is gorgeous, sweet, and dumb as fuck,” Tony explains.

Steve nods. “Like Thor.” 

“Speaking of great asses,” Hardison agrees. 

“Hey, don’t leave Steve out!” Tony complains. “That’s America’s ass.” 

“Yeah, okay, you salute whatever flag you want, we’ve got work to do,” Spencer grumbles. 

“Keep us posted,” Tony says. 

  
  


#### (4)

“So,” Tony starts, “that could have gone better.” He wishes he were in the same room as Steve right now. This is one of those relationship things where he should be there, he’s sure. 

Spencer snorts. “Tell me about it.” 

“I stand by what I did,” Steve says, and oh, Tony can just imagine how his jaw is set, how straight he’s holding his back. 

“Well, good thing, ’cause there’s no undoing that,” Hardison says. “Captain America dates men. Queer kids all over the world heard that. We really are doing the lord’s work, huh?” 

“Eliot’s right though, this isn’t the plan,” Parker says. 

“It—” Steve starts. 

“Let’s focus here,” Spencer cuts in. “What now?” 

“We tell everyone that Tony and I are together,” Steve says firmly. “Just a little sooner than originally planned.” 

Tony is, hand to god, speechless. Steve really does want the world to know about them. God, he really, really wishes Steve were here. 

“What, you mean at the gala that’s _tomorrow_?” Hardison asks. 

“That’s the one,” Steve says, voice calmly authoritative. “Before Hammer and Stone have time to recover from today.” 

Tony’s going to have to pay his tailor at least triple to get Steve’s new suit done by then. He’s not letting Steve do this in something off-the-rack. That’ll help with the stress, too: Steve in a bespoke three-piece. God, he’s going to be a vision. 

“And the paps are gonna be at this one?” Parker asks. 

Finding his voice, Tony confirms, “In spades.” The swarm of paparazzi that flock to this event comprise one of the reasons he usually sends his invitation back with his regrets and a check with a lot of zeros.

“You two ready for that?” Spencer asks. 

“Yes,” Steve and Tony say at the same time and holy shit, he saw Steve yesterday, but he misses him so fucking much right now. 

“Alright. We’ll make it happen,” Parker promises. 

“Can’t wait,” Tony says, surprising himself by meaning it. 

#### (5)

“Holy shit you guys are good,” Tony says. He and Steve are still in bed, waiting for the breakfast JARVIS sent out for to arrive. 

“We sure” —Parker pauses for dramatic effect— “ _nailed_ him!” 

“Oh god, don’t start,” Hardison whines. 

“You really got Tiberius Stone to do all that,” Steve marvels. “In front of all those reporters.” 

“‘Reporter’ being an overly generous term,” Tony adds. 

“And plenty of guests with smartphones,” Hardison agrees proudly. “There’s no way he and Hammer can say any of _that_ is faked.” 

“That paparazzo’s lucky Hammer punches as bad as he does everything else,” Spencer says. 

By Tony’s estimation, the bloodsucker deserved worse, but instead of saying so, asks, “And how _are_ the more discerning corners of the press taking this incident?” 

“Nonstop punning,” Parker crows. “Hammer and nail: ViaStone & Hammertech CEOs reveal conspiracy to commit homicide, fraud, & more.’ ‘Hammered ViaStone CEO incriminates self, Hammer, in rant promising to “nail ‘em all.’’” 

“‘And more,’” Steve quotes. “That’s a succinct way of saying ‘sexual assault, defamation, criminal negligence, and obstruction of justice.’” 

“They only have so much space in the headlines, babe,” Tony says. 

“I’m familiar with how headlines work.” 

Hardison ploughs forward. “‘In want of a nail: Hammer, Stone implicated in murder, fraud scheme against Stark Industries,’” he reads. “This one is really straining a ‘rock, paper, scissors’ analogy. ‘Iron beats nail,’ that doesn’t even make sense.” 

“‘Stark truths divulged by Hammer, Stone,’” Parker continues. “‘End of the Stone age: Iron Man is Target of Stone, Hammer.’ ‘Sticks & Stones, Hammer & “nail ’em,” Stark & Rogers.’ Etcetera.” 

“And the other scene we caused?” Tony asks—though, judging by the email he just got from the Avengers’ marketing team, it’s probably pretty good. Unless, of course, people are buying the merch to burn it. 

“ _Seventeen_ tweeted that you’re America’s new favorite couple,” Spencer says, sounding as if this level of publicity offends him on a personal level. 

“Your faces are, like, the only thing visible on the magazine stands,” Parker says. “You beat out a poorly behaved British royal and a guy in Florida who got in a footrace through a cattle field trying to escape local deputies.” 

“BuzzFeed has a 50-photo gallery of your cutest moments caught on camera,” Hardison continues. “There’s already half-a-dozen op-eds in _The Atlantic_ about what your relationship means for the world. They’re just eating you up.” 

Tony grins and winks at Steve. “Speaking of—” he starts. 

“Yeah, yeah, you’re screwing each other, we know,” Spencer interjects. “The whole world knows, you can stop talking about it. Debrief over.” 

“You three enjoy celebrating!” Tony says and ends the call. 

He turns to Steve. “Hey. So, thank you. You didn’t have to get involved or come out or—” 

Steve silences him with a kiss. 

#### (+1)

“Stark,” comes Spencer’s gruff voice the moment Tony answers the call incoming on the Leverage line. “We got your payment.” 

“Is there a problem?” 

“Well. It’s not the amount we agreed on,” Hardison says. 

“No, it’s five times more. Problem?” Tony repeats.

“What’s your deal?” Spencer asks. 

“Simple. You took down not just Hammer but also Ty—altogether hilarious, by the way, excellent work—you got Steve to out himself on national TV, and the press on all of this has been almost uncannily _amazing_. I’m probably making up half of what I promised you on licensed Iron Man and Captain America action figure sales alone. Think of it as a bonus for a job well done.” 

After a pause, Spencer says, “Thanks.” 

“I see you’re already in Saudi Arabia,” Tony says, to change the subject. 

“Man, how do you _do_ that?” Hardison complains. “Next time we work together, you’re sharing your tech.” 

“Only if I get to ride in Lucille,” Tony counters. 

“I’ll consider it,” Hardison replies, but it sounds like he’s smiling. 

“How’s Parker?” Tony asks. “She got her hands on that _Adoration_ yet?” 

Hardison chuckles. “She’s out casing the villa right now, actually.” 

“I’ll let you get back to monitoring that, then. You kids have fun.” 

“Will do,” Hardison agrees. 

Tony’s smiling when he ends the call. 


End file.
